March 23, 2008
Hello and Welcome to my blog! This quarter I would like to look at Parenting skills and specifically expectations.
When identifying your expectations and conveying these to your child, it is essential for all primary caregivers to be consistent and united in their expectations. These expectations should be very clear and concrete. They also need to be realistic. It is very appropriate to expect a two year old to help clean up their toys at the end of the day, but to expect a 5 year old to walk the family dog every afternoon when the dog is a 100 lb untrained German Shepherd is not realistic. A great way to determine whether or not a child is able to developmentally meet your expectations would be to ask yourself some of the following questions. Have you clearly explained and discussed with your child the behavior that is expected? Can they describe or report back to you what their interpretation is of what is expected? Is your child developmentally able to live up to your expectations?
Once you have determined what it is you would like to convey to your children it is important to figure out how you are going to share this information best with your child? Does your child tend to better when things are in writing? Do they respond best when information is verbally shared with them at a set time (maybe in a family meeting or over Friday night dinners)? Are you clearly modeling the expected behavior so that your child knows what is being asked of them? This is helpful for younger children because they love to imitate and thrive on structure. Short but specific examples work best.
Parenting and learning new skills are an ongoing process. Children need constant repetition and quick refresher lessons. Once you have established what is expected and you have clearly conveyed these expectations with your child it is essential to have ongoing communication. Specific non threatening times to openly discuss any concerns or confusion will play a great role in improving children’s behavior. Punishing a child for not meeting expectations that are unclear, inconsistent or unrealistic can result in feelings of confusion, anger, spite and low self worth.
Let’s face it; parents are not experts on raising children simply due to the fact that they are parents. It is a process with many wonderful opportunities for growth and confidence on both the part of the parent and child. Open communication, respect and a desire to live up to each other’s expectations are essential for building solid and strong healthy relationships. All relationships require hard work but it is the fruit of this labor that is most precious to all.
Parenting is at times a complex and confusing role. It is so easy to second guess your skills and feel ineffective at times. Effective parenting consists of several positive attributes. It is essential for parents to create and convey very clear expectations, to have consistency in following through with positive and negative consequences, to model the behaviors you want your children to have and then to notice and congratulate them when they display these behaviors, and lastly one of the most challenging and difficult skills is to remain calm in the middle of chaos (tantrums, arguments and meltdowns are just a few). Just to make things a bit more confusing, children do not come with handbooks nor does every child respond well to the same parenting techniques.
Hope you have enjoyed my blog and found it helpful. Healthy parenting can be an exhausting and confusing role along with being one of the most precious gifts one can experience. I believe it is our responsibility to support and learn from each other and not to judge or criticize those who are committed to creating and nurturing the future generations of this world.
Thank you for sharing this time with me. If you would like to contact me please feel free to either email me or contact me by phone.
See you next blog!!"Where Growth Is Supported And Encouraged For All Ages......."
August 18th 2008
This Blog is in regards to connecting to your teenager-
The teenage years.. Uggh!!! For many this was a difficult and uncomfortable time in their lives. Not many would like to relive these often painful years. For parents with teenage children the feelings and anxieties that arise are often very similar to that of what their children are currently experiencing. It sometimes helps to remember no matter how difficult and unhappy your child may be acting towards you it is no picnic feeling this way inside for them either. Parents are often targets of their teenager’s anger and hostility because they are “safe targets” meaning a teenager can feel pretty secure knowing a parent will not abandon them where a friend or schoolmate might. Throw a few out of whack hormones into the mix and the relationship you may have had with your teenager in the past is taking on a whole new meaning. Here are ten of my favorite ways to stay connected to your teen during this emotional and often difficult time.
1. REALLY listen to your teen! Respect their feelings and emotions and respond to their needs as much as possible. Something very trivial to us can be earth shattering to your teen. Don’t judge their feelings just love and support them.
2. Make sure your home is a safe zone. Try and keep discussions open and honest even if they are uncomfortable for you. Don’t criticize or shame your teen. We ALL need a place to de-stress and feel loved and supported even on those tough and difficult days.
3. Remind your teen everyday that you love them. You don’t need to smother them with kisses or words of deep and profound love but a simple love you each day will be a constant reminder to them that despite all of their inner turmoil they are still lovable.
4. Get Creative. Find new ways of interacting and connecting. What works at 10 doesn’t always work at 15. Even if you hate a particular band or type of music try understanding the music by letting your child talk about their favorite artists and what they like or are interested in. You might want to try taking your child to a concert if you can and remember in the grand scheme of things it might be worth it to have your ears ring for a night. It might give you a connection with your child, a lasting memory, a feeling of respect from your child and to top it off teens usually talk in the car amongst themselves if the driver is quiet they forget you can hear them and you just might gain a better idea of what is going on in their lives.
5. Parent and set limits based on love not on punishment or control.
6. Explain your reasoning or rationale to your child. Not for debate but for them to understand your thinking even if they don’t agree with you. Ask them questions or enlist their help in problem solving. Often issues are resolved by finding a middle ground and that way everyone feels heard and validated.
7. You might want to try and do activities with your teen, their friends and their parents. This might help your teen from feeling so isolated and will give them an opportunity to identify other healthy supports to go to should you might not be available or around when then need you.
8. Don’t abandon your teen even if it is at their request. When a teen yells “LEAVE ME ALONE!!” give them some space but don’t abandon them or disengage from them. This is when they need your love, support and respect the most!
9. Stay connected through something the family does as a group. Family dinners, decorating for the holidays, family vacations, games, meals, sports or traditions. Even if a teen asks to include a friend it is still adding an additional participant and not taking them out of the mix and away from the family.
10. Staying connected to your child and being available while keeping your own emotions in check is one of the best ways to keep your teen away from harm and out of situations that might not be healthy. All parents go through their phase of no longer being “cool” but they should always remain consistent and available!!
Hang in their and try and remember what it is your parents could have done or did do to help you through this time of turmoil and give them what it is they need to come out healthy and safe!
I hope you enjoyed this blog and I look forward to our next meeting-
Melissa
December 4th 2008
Happy Holidays and Welcome to one of the most magical yet stressful times of the year! As adults we are easily pulled in to the holiday season. We may have memories either good or bad that effect us in ways that either cause us to go to the extreme or minimize holiday festivities. For those who have unhappy memories of childhood holidays they may want to overcompensate for their children so badly that they overspend, create unnecessary chaos, and attempt to create the "perfect holiday". The pursuit of perfect happiness and bliss puts a lot of unwanted and unproductive stress on all involved (children, adults, partners, relatives etc...) This may appear in many capacities and let's face it... not all children can keep up with the excitement, energy and pursuit of the perfect holiday. What we are left with is temper tantrums, melt-downs, crying, exhaustion and a lot of fighting!!
Why not keep things simple this year and create your own family traditions? Perhaps it can start with a family day full of decorating and then a warm supper and a holiday movie at home with the whole family in their pajamas to kick off the season. Maybe it is a family project such as creating a holiday wreath, decorating cookies for those who are important in our life, picking out gifts for those less fortunate or a trip to a nursing home and having little ones deliver holiday colored balloons to those who are alone at the holidays to brighten their day?
The trick is to keep it simple yet focused on what is truly a priority in your life. Why not let each loved one pick out a special way to celebrate the season and then supplement it with lots of down time and acceptance of each other? One child might choose a night of driving to look at lights with cookies in their lap, one might choose to go to a holiday show, Mom may enjoy a family gift wrapping party or cookie baking bonanza and Dad may enjoy a Christmas open house. Whatever the activities are if it is limited to one choice per person it can prevent a holiday that is so hectic and rushed that no one enjoys it. Why not have a traditional meal at lunch on a big day and then order take out for dinner that night so everyone can relax after a busy day. In our home after a night of Christmas Eve Church and a Special Meal we go to sleep, awake to a Christmas breakfast casserole prepared the night before so we can just pop it in the oven while the children open gifts, a traditional Christmas dinner but at lunch time and then we order Chinese Food for dinner and enjoy watching each other enjoying a content and calm close to the day.
Hope you all have a wonderful Holiday Season and a Truly Blessed and fulfilling 2009! May you never lose the magic in your lives!