Helpful Ideas to Lift Depression Without Using Medications. - September 2018
Being depressed can make you feel helpless. You're not. Along with therapy and sometimes medication, there's a lot you can do on your own to fight back. Changing your behavior -- your level of physical activity, lifestyle, and even your way of thinking -- are all natural ways to combat depression.
These tips can help you feel better -- starting right now.
1. Get in a routine. If you’re depressed, you need a routine.
Depression can strip away the structure from your life. One day melts into the next. Setting a gentle daily schedule can help you get back on track.
2.Try setting goals. When you're depressed, you may feel like you can't accomplish anything. That makes you feel worse about yourself. To push back, set daily goals for yourself.
3.Add exercise to your life. It temporarily boosts feel-good chemicals called endorphins. It may also have long-term benefits for people with depression. Regular exercise seems to encourage the Brain rewire itself in positive ways.
How much exercise do you need? You don’t need to run marathons to get a benefit. Just walking a few times a week can help.
4. Eat healthy. There is no magic diet that fixes depression. It's a good idea to watch what you eat, though. If depression tends to make you overeat, getting in control of your eating will help you feel better.
Although nothing is definitive, There's evidence that foods with omega-3 fatty acids (such as salmon and tuna) and folic acid (such as spinach and avocado) could help ease depression.
5. Get adequate Sleep Depression can make it hard to get enough shut-eye, and too little sleep can make depression worse.
What can you do? Start by making some changes to your lifestyle. Go to bed and get up at the same time every day. Try not to nap. Take all the distractions out of your bedroom -- no computer and no TV. In time, you may find your sleep improves.
6. Take on responsibilities. When you’re depressed, you may want to pull back from life and give up your responsibilities at home and at work. Don't. Staying involved and having daily responsibilities can help you maintain a lifestyle that can help counter depression. They ground you and give you a sense of accomplishment.
If you're not up to full-time school or work, that’s fine. Think about part-time. If that seems like too much, consider volunteer work.
7. Challenge negative thoughts. In your fight against depression, a lot of the work is mental -- changing how you think. When you're depressed, you leap to the worst possible conclusions.
The next time you're feeling terrible about yourself, use logic as a natural depression treatment. You might feel like no one likes you, but is there real evidence for that? You might feel like the most worthless person on the planet, but is that really likely? It takes practice, but in time you can beat back those negative thoughts before they get out of control.
8. Check with your doctor before using supplements. "There's promising evidence for certain supplements for depression.Those include fish oil, folic acid, and SAMe. But more research needs to be done before we'll know for sure. Always check with your doctor before starting any supplement, especially if you’re already taking medications.
9. Do something new. When you’re depressed, you’re in a rut. Push yourself to do something different. Go to a museum. Pick up a used book and read it on a park bench. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Take a language class.
"When we challenge ourselves to do something different, there are chemical changes in the brain. Trying something new alters the levels of the brain chemical called dopamine, which is associated with pleasure, enjoyment, and learning."
10. Try to have fun. If you’re depressed, make time for things you enjoy. What if nothing seems fun anymore? That's just a symptom of depression.You have to keep trying anyway.
Imagine, you are driving in the car. You look in the rearview mirror and see your child trying to shrink into her seat.
“What’s wrong?” you ask.
“I don’t want to go to the birthday party.”
“But you’ve been excited all week. There will be cake and games and a bounce house. You love all of those things,” you try to reason.
“But I can’t go. There will be lots of people there I don’t know. No one will play with me. My tummy hurts.”
Sound familiar? As a parent of an anxious child, you might regularly find yourself in situations where no matter what you try, what effort you make, what compassion you offer, or what love you exude, nothing seems to help quash the worry that is affecting your little one’s everyday interactions.
In my work with anxious children, I have found it tremendously beneficial for both parents and kids to have a toolkit full of coping skills from which to choose. As you know, every child is different and some of the tools described below will resonate more than others. When you pick one to work with, please try it at least two to three times before making a judgment on whether it suits your child and family.
Here are 37 techniques to calm an anxious child:
Write it out
Write it out and then throw it out—In a study published in Psychological Science, people were asked to write what they liked or disliked about their bodies. One group of people kept the paper and checked it for errors, whereas the other group of people physically discarded the paper their thoughts were written on. The physical act of discarding the paper helped them discard the thoughts mentally, too. Next time your child is anxious, have her write her thoughts on a paper and then physically throw the paper out. Chances are, her perspective will begin to change as soon as the paper hits the trash can.
Journal about worries—Researchers at Harvard found that writing about a stressful event for 15 minutes, for four consecutive days, can lessen the anxiety a person feels about that event. Although the person may initially feel more anxiety about the stressor, eventually the effects of writing about anxious events relieved anxious symptoms for up to six months after the exercise. Make journaling about anxious thoughts a habit with your child.
Create “worry time”—In the movie Gone with the Wind, Scarlett O’Hara often says, “I can’t think about that now. I’ll think about it tomorrow.” A similar concept works for anxious children. Set aside a designated “worry time” for 10-15 minutes on a daily basis. Choose the same time each day and the same spot and allow your child to write down his worries without worrying about what actually constitutes a worry. When the time is up, have him drop the worries in a box, say goodbye to them, and move on to a new activity. When your child begins to feel anxious, remind him that it isn’t “worry time” yet, but reassure him that there will be time to review his anxiety later.
Write a letter to yourself—Dr. Kristen Neff, a professor at the University of Texas, Austin, and a pioneer in the field of self-compassion, created an exercise where people were asked to write a letter as though they were not experiencing stress or anxiety but rather their best friends were. From this exercise they were able to examine themselves and their situation objectively and apply a level of compassion to themselves that they often reserve for other people. Next time your child feels anxious, have them write a letter that begins “Dear Me” and then ask them to continue writing in the voice of their best friend (real or imaginary).
Have a debate (with yourself)
Talk to your worry—Personification of a worry allows children to feel as though they have control over it. By giving anxiety a face and a name, the logical brain takes over and begins to place limitations on the stressor. For young children, you can create a worry doll or character for them that represents worry. Next time a worried thought arises, have your child try to teach the doll why they shouldn’t worry. As an example, check out Widdle the Worrier.
Recognize that thoughts are notoriously inaccurate—Psychologist Aaron Beck developed a theory in behavioral therapy known as “cognitive distortions.” Simply put, these are messages our minds tell us that are simply untrue. When we help our children recognize these distortions, we can begin to help them break them down and replace them with truths. Read through and use this list as a reference with your child. Depending on their age, change the language for greater accessibility.
Jumping to conclusions: judging a situation based on assumptions as opposed to definitive facts
Mental filtering: paying attention to the negative details in a situation while ignoring the positive
Magnifying: magnifying negative aspects in a situation
Minimizing: minimizing positive aspects in a situation
Personalizing: assuming the blame for problems even when you are not primarily responsible
Externalizing: pushing the blame for problems onto others even when you are primarily responsible
Overgeneralizing: concluding that one bad incident will lead to a repeated pattern of defeat
Emotional reasoning: assuming your negative emotions translate into reality, or confusing feelings with facts
Give yourself a hug—Physical touch releases oxytocin, a feel-good hormone, and reduces the stress hormone cortisol in the bloodstream. The next time your child feels anxious, have her stop and give herself a warm hug. She can hug herself discreetly by folding her arms and squeezing her body in a comforting way.
Rub your ears—For thousands of years, Chinese acupuncturists have used needles to stimulate various points in a person’s ears to treat stress and anxiety. Similar benefits are available to your child simply by having him apply pressure to many of these same points. Have him begin by lightly tracing the outline of his outer ear several times. Then using gentle pressure, have him place his thumbs on the back of his ears and his forefingers on the front. Have him count to five and then move his finger and thumb downward to a point just below where they started. Have your child repeat the process until he has squeezed both earlobes for five seconds each.
Hold your own hand—Remember the safety you felt when you held your parent’s hand as you crossed the street? As it turns out, hand-holding has both psychological and physiological benefits. In one study, researchers found that hand-holding during surgery helped patients control their physical and mental symptoms of anxiety. Have your child clasp her hands together, fingers intertwined, until the feelings of anxiety begin to fade.
Understand the origin of worry—Anxiety and worry have biological purposes in the human body. Once upon a time, anxiety was what kept our hunter and gatherer relatives safely alert while they searched for food. Even today, worry and anxiety keep us from making mistakes that will compromise our safety. Help your child understand that worry and anxiety are common feelings and that he gets into trouble only when his brain sounds the alarm and he does not allow logical thoughts to calm him down.
Learn about the physical symptoms of worry—We often think of anxiety as a mental state. What we don’t think about is how worry creates physical symptoms as well. Cortisol and adrenaline, two of the body’s main stress hormones, are produced at a rapid rate when we experience anxiety. These are the “fight or flight” hormones that prepare our bodies to either fight or run from something dangerous. Our heart rates increase, and our breathing gets fast and shallow; we sweat, and we may even experience nausea and diarrhea. However, once your child is familiar with the physical symptoms of anxiety, he can recognize them as anxiety and use any of the strategies in this article rather than worry that he is sick.
Use your body
Stretch—A study published in the Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics showed that children who practice yoga not only experience the uplifting benefits of exercise but also maintain those benefits long after they are done with their practice. Even if you or your child is unfamiliar with yoga poses, the process of slow, methodical stretching can provide many of the same benefits.
Push against a wall—For some children, trying to breathe deeply or relax through meditation only causes more anxiety. “Am I doing this right? Everyone thinks I’m crazy. I forgot to breathe that time.” The act of physically tensing the muscles will create a counterbalancing release when they are relaxed, resulting in the relaxation more passive methods may not provide. Have your child push against the wall with all of her might, taking great care to use the muscles in her arms, legs, back, and stomach to try to move the wall. Have her hold for a count of 10 and then breathe deeply for a count of 10, repeating three times.
Practice chopping wood—In yoga, the Wood Chopper Pose releases tension and stress in the muscles by simulating the hard labor of chopping wood. Have your child stand tall with his legs wide and arms straight above as though he is holding an ax. Have him inhale and, with the full force of his body, swing the imaginary ax as though he is chopping wood and simultaneously exhale a “ha.” Repeat.
Try progressive muscle relaxation—This relaxation exercise includes two simple steps: (1) Systematically tense specific muscle groups, such as your head, neck, and shoulders etc., and then (2) Release the tension and notice how you feel when you release each muscle group. Have your child practice by tensing the muscles in her face as tightly as she can and then releasing the tension. Here is a great script for kids (pdf).
Use the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)—EFT combines tapping acupressure points in the body with verbalizing positive affirmations. Using his fingertips, have your child gently but firmly tap the top of his head, his eyebrows, under his eyes, under his nose, his chin, his collarbone, and his wrists while saying positive things about his situation. The idea is that the body’s natural electromagnetic energy is activated and associated with positive affirmations, thereby reducing anxiety.
Strike a power pose—Anxiety makes your child want to physically shrink. However, research has shown that holding a powerful pose for just two minutes can boost feelings of self-confidence and power. Have your child pose like her favorite superhero, with her hands on her hips, ready for battle, or strike a pose like a boss leaning over a table to drive a point home, hands planted on the table top.
Sweat it out—Exercise releases endorphins, the feel-good chemicals in our bodies. Exercise that is more intense than your child’s normal physical activity level can actually reduce his body’s physical response to anxiety.
Fall into Child’s Pose—Have your child assume the Child’s Pose, a pose in yoga that is done by kneeling on the floor and bringing the body to rest on the knees in the fetal position. The arms are either brought to the sides of the legs or stretched out over the head, palms on the floor.
Disconnect to reconnect
Do a tech detox—Studies show that modern technology is adversely correlated to sleep and stress—especially in young adults. Challenge your child to spend a week without video game systems or smartphones, and encourage her to be more creative with her time.
Walk in nature—A Stanford study showed that exposure to green spaces has a positive cognitive effect on school children. Going for a walk in nature allows your child to reconnect with tangible, physical objects; calms his mind; and helps his logical brain to take over for his anxious brain.
Drink more water—Although dehydration rarely causes anxiety on its own, because our brains are 85% water, it can certainly make its symptoms worse. Make sure your child is getting adequate amounts of water in a day. The basic rule of thumb is to drink one-half to one ounce of water per pound of body weight. So if your child weighs 50 pounds, he should drink 25 to 50 ounces of water every day.
Take a cold or hot bath—Hydrotherapy has been used for centuries in natural medicine to promote health and prevent disease. Just 10 minutes in a warm bath or cold shower can have profound effects on the levels of anxiety your child is experiencing.
Observe your “train of thoughts”—Have your child imagine her anxious thoughts are like trains coming into a busy station. Sometimes they will slow down and pass by, and at other times they will stop at the station for a while. If the anxious thought stops at the station, have your child practice breathing slowly and deeply until the train pulls out of the station. As it fades, have your child “watch” as the train pulls away. This exercise teaches children that they don’t have to react to every thought that occurs to them. Some thoughts they can simply acknowledge and allow to leave without acting on them.
Practice a five-by-five meditation—Have your child use each of his five senses to name five things he experiences with that sense. Again, this exercise roots your child in things that are actually happening rather than in things that mayhappen or could happen that are causing him to worry.
Focus on your breath—The natural biological response to anxiety is to breathe shallowly and quickly. Focusing on breathing slowly and deeply will mitigate many of the body’s stress responses.
Tune in with a body scan—Have your child close her eyes and check in with all of the parts of her body. Have her talk to each part and ask how it feels and if there is anything wrong. Then have her invite it to relax while she checks in with the other parts. This animation can be a fun way to practice a body scan meditation with your child.
Practice cognitive defusion—The process of cognitive defusion separates the reaction your child is having from the event. It gives your child a chance to think about the stressor separately from his reaction to that stressor. Have your child talk about his feelings of anxiety as though his mind is a separate person. He might say something like “My mind does not want to go to the party, so it is making my stomach hurt.” By disconnecting the two, he can then talk to his mind as though it is a person and re-create his internal dialogue.
Listen to music—It is challenging for your child to feel anxious when she is dancing to her favorite song. Crank up the tunes and sing along! Here is a loving-kindness meditation set to dance music you can listen to with your child.
Listen to stories—Avid readers know how difficult it is to pry themselves away from a good book. Listening to audio books can help your child get lost in an imaginary world where anxiety and worry do not exist or are put into their proper perspective.
Listen to guided meditations—Guided meditations are designed to be soothing to your child and help him relax by presenting images for his mind’s eye to focus on rather than focusing on the stressor.
Listen to the uplifting words of another—Often, anxiety is rooted in a negative internal monologue. Have your child listen to your uplifting words or those of someone else to restructure that monologue into positive affirmations of herself.
Help someone else
Volunteer—Researchers have long shown that “helper’s high” happens when people volunteer to help others without any expectation of compensation. Whether your child is helping a younger sibling do math homework or helping your neighbor weed her flower bed, volunteering is an easy way to alleviate his feelings of stress or anxiety.
Be a friend and give someone else advice—Sometimes the advice we give others is really meant for ourselves. Encourage your child to tell you how you should react to a situation similar to what your child might be experiencing anxiety over. If she is worried about giving a presentation in class, have her tell you how to get over your anxiety about a work presentation. The same techniques your child is teaching you will come into play when she is faced with a similar situation.
Turn your focus outward—Anxiety would have your child believe that he is the only one who has ever experienced worry or stress in a certain situation. In reality, many of his peers are likely experiencing the same feelings of worry. Encourage your child to find someone who may look nervous and talk to her or him about how she or he is feeling. By discussing his anxiety with his peers, your child will discover that he is notthe only one to feel worry.
Embrace the worry
Know that this too shall pass—One of the greatest lies the anxious brain tells your child is that she will feel anxious forever. Physiologically, it is impossible to maintain a high level of arousal for longer than several minutes. Invite your child to sit by you, and read a story or simply watch the world go by until the feelings of anxiety start to fade away. It sounds simple, but acknowledging that the “fight or flight” response won’t last forever gives it less power when your child begins to feel its effects.
Worrying is part of our humanity—Anxiety, stress, and worry are all part of what makes us human. These biological and psychological responses are designed to keep us safe in situations we are not familiar with. Reassure your child that there is nothing wrong with feeling anxiety, that it simply alerts his body so that he can be on the lookout for danger. -
Managing ADD and ADHD Behaviors - November 2018
We all love our kiddos and at times they can be especially trying. For Children who struggle with ADD or ADHD it can be especially frustrating. I am a big fan of using rewards for good behavior rather then punishment for poor behavior. The more you look for positive behaviors and bringing those to light, and providing positive reinforcements the more you will see the positives and not the negatives. Here is a great article of what you can do to help.
Parenting Tips for ADHD: What you can do to help-
Raising a child with ADHD isn’t like traditional childrearing. Normal rule-making and household routines can become almost impossible, depending on the type and severity of your child’s symptoms, so you’ll need to adopt different approaches. It can become frustrating to cope with some of the behaviors which result from your child’s ADHD, but there are ways to make life easier.
Parents must accept the fact that children with ADHD have functionally different brains from those of other children. While children with ADHD can still learn what is acceptable and what isn’t, their disorder does make them more prone to impulsive behavior.
Fostering the development of a child with ADHD means that you will have to modify your behavior and learn to manage the behavior of your child. Medication may be the first step in your child’s treatment. Behavioral techniques for managing a child’s ADHD symptoms must always be in place. By following these guidelines, you can limit destructive behavior and help your child overcome self-doubt.
Principles of Behavioral Management Theory
There are two basic principles of behavior management therapy. The first is encouraging and rewarding good behavior (positive reinforcement). The second is removing rewards by following bad behavior with appropriate consequences, leading to the extinguishing of bad behavior (punishment, in behaviorist terms). You teach your child to understand that actions have consequences by establishing rules and clear outcomes for following or disobeying these rules. These principles must be followed in every area of a child’s life. That means at home, in the classroom, and in the social arena.
Decide ahead of time which behaviors are acceptable and which are not
The goal of behavioral modification is to help your child consider the consequences of an action and control the impulse to act on it. This requires empathy, patience, affection, energy, and strength on the part of the parent. Parents must first decide which behaviors they will and won’t tolerate. It’s crucial to stick to these guidelines. Punishing a behavior one day and allowing it the next is harmful to a child’s improvement. Some behaviors should always be unacceptable, like physical outbursts, refusal to get up in the morning, or unwillingness to turn off the television when told to do so.
Your child may have a hard time internalizing and enacting your guidelines. Rules should be simple and clear, and children should be rewarded for following them. This can be accomplished using a points system. For example, allow your child to accrue points for good behavior that can be redeemed for spending money, time in front of the TV, or a new video game. If you have a list of house rules, write them down and put them where they’re easy to see. Repetition and positive reinforcement can help your child better understand your rules.
Define the rules, but allow some flexibility
It’s important to consistently reward good behaviors and discourage destructive ones, but you shouldn’t be too strict with your child. Remember that children with ADHD may not adapt to change as well as others. You must learn to allow your child to make mistakes as they learn. Odd behaviors that aren’t detrimental to your child or anyone else should be accepted as part of your child’s individual personality. It’s ultimately harmful to discourage a child’s quirky behaviors just because you think they are unusual.
Aggressive outbursts from children with ADHD can be a common problem. “Time-out” is an effective way to calm both you and your overactive child. If your child acts out in public, they should be immediately removed in a calm and decisive manner. “Time-out” should be explained to the child as a period to cool off and think about the negative behavior they have exhibited. Try to ignore mildly disruptive behaviors as a way for your child to release his or her pent-up energy. However, destructive, abusive, or intentionally disruptive behavior which goes against the rules you establish should always be punished.
Make a routine for your child and stick to it every day. Establish rituals around meals, homework, playtime, and bedtime. Simple daily tasks, such as having your child lay out his or her clothes for the next day, can provide essential structure.
Break tasks into manageable pieces
Try using a large wall calendar to help remind a child of their duties. Color coding chores and homework can keep your child from becoming overwhelmed with everyday tasks and school assignments. Even morning routines should be broken down into discrete tasks.
Simplify and organize your child’s life
Create a special, quiet space for your child to read, do homework, and take a break from the chaos of everyday life. Keep your home neat and organized so that your child knows where everything goes. This helps reduce unnecessary distractions.
Children with ADHD welcome easily accessible distractions. Television, video games, and the computer encourage impulsive behavior and should be regulated. By decreasing time with electronics and increasing time doing engaging activities outside the home, your child will have an outlet for built-up energy.
Physical activity burns excess energy in healthy ways. It also helps a child focus their attention on specific movements. This may decrease impulsivity. Exercise may also help to improve concentration, decrease the risk for depression and anxiety, and stimulate the brain in healthy ways. Many professional athletes have ADHD. Experts believe that athletics can help a child with ADHD find a constructive way to focus their passion, attention, and energy.
Regulate sleep patterns
Bedtime may be an especially difficult for children suffering from ADHD. Lack of sleep exacerbates inattention, hyperactivity, and recklessness. Helping your child get better sleep is important. To help them get better rest, eliminate stimulants like sugar and caffeine, and decrease television time. Establish a healthy, calming bedtime ritual.
Encourage out-loud thinking
Children with ADHD can lack self-control. This causes them to speak and act before thinking. Ask your child to verbalize their thoughts and reasoning when the urge to act out arises. It’s important to understand your child’s thought process in order to help him or her curb impulsive behaviors.
Promote wait time
Another way to control the impulse to speak before thinking is to teach your child how to pause a moment before talking or replying. Encourage more thoughtful responses by helping your child with homework assignments and asking interactive questions about a favorite television show or book.
Believe in your child
Your child likely doesn’t realize the stress that their condition can cause. It’s important to remain positive and encouraging. Praise your child’s good behavior so they know when something was done right. Your child may struggle with ADHD now, but it won’t last forever. Have confidence in your child and be positive about their future.
Find individualized counseling
You can’t do it all. Your child needs your encouragement, but they also need professional help. Find a therapist to work with your child and provide another outlet for them. Don’t be afraid to seek assistance if you need it. Many parents are so focused on their children that they neglect their own mental needs. A therapist can help manage your stress and anxiety as well as your child’s. Local support groups may also be a helpful outlet for parents.
You can’t be supportive 100 percent of the time. It’s normal to become overwhelmed or frustrated with yourself or your child. Just as your child will need to take breaks while studying, you’ll need your own breaks as well. Scheduling alone time is important for any parent. Consider hiring a babysitter. Good break options include:
- going for a walk
- going to the gym
- taking a relaxing bath
You can’t help an impulsive child if you yourself are aggravated. Children mimic the behaviors they see around them, so if you remain composed and controlled during an outburst, it will help your child to do the same. Take time to breathe, relax, and collect your thoughts before attempting to pacify your child. The calmer you are, the calmer your child will become.
Don’t sweat the small stuff
Be willing to make some compromises with your child. If your child has accomplished two of the three chores you assigned, consider being flexible with the third, uncompleted task. It’s a learning process and even small steps count.
Don’t get overwhelmed and lash out
Remember that your child’s behavior is caused by a disorder. ADHD may not be visible on the outside, but it’s a disability and should be treated as such. When you begin to feel angry or frustrated, remember that your child can’t “snap out of it” or “just be normal.”
Don’t be negative
It sounds simplistic, but take things one day at a time and remember to keep it all in perspective. What is stressful or embarrassing today will fade away tomorrow.
Don’t let your child or the disorder take control
Remember that you are the parent and, ultimately, you establish the rules for acceptable behavior in your home. Be patient and nurturing, but don’t allow yourself to be bullied or intimidated by your child’s behaviors.
I truly believe in the old saying that when your child is having a rough time and their behavior is out of control this is the time your child needs you the most. Patience, Compassion and empathy go a long way.
Anxiety Does Not Always Show Up as Worrying - November 2018
It may show up as:
Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
Defiance (When a child is unable to communicate what is really going on)
Flying off the handle for no reason- sometimes children tried to hide their feelings for so long that when they can't do it anymore they just explode!
Lack of Focus (Sometimes kids are so caught up in their own thoughts they can't pay attention to what is going on around them)
Some Feelings Associated with Anxiety:
Embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted, overwhelmed, depressed, stuck, jealous, disrespected, offended, helpless, hurt, insecure, regret, uncomfortable, rejected, sad, grief, lonely, tired, frustrated, confused.
Just remember as frustrating and challenging as it may be to seal with someone who struggles with Anxiety, it is no picnic for them either. Patience and Empathy go a long way!
Teenagers, sometimes it's as is they are from another a planet. We struggle with ways to stay connected when dealing with personalities that can at times be prickly. Now a days teens are so busy, and are attached to electronics. We may see them when they surface to eat or if they are coming and going. At this age they are struggling for Independence and pushing away from parents and family to be with their friends and peers. The following are some ways in which we can stay connected.
1. Eat together- If your kids are home encourage them to eat with you by picking foods they enjoy and conversations they are comfortable with. If things get loud and silly , relax and enjoy.
2. Cook together- When you see your teen opening the fridge for the 10th time or rummaging in the pantry suggest cooking something together. Nachos and Pizza are usually a win!
3. Work Together- It's easier to talk if your not making eye contact so talk while doing tasks or taking a walk. Side by side communication is less confrontational.
4. Enjoy the time in the car- Support your child in their activities and interest usually involves a trip together in the car so enjoy some one on one time while they are a captive audience.
5. Go Shopping- You will learn a lot about their tastes, favorite brands and how they want others to view them.
6.Do some good- Volunteering or helping others together is a great way to bond and share with each other. Serving meals, prepping meals, raking leaves etc.
7.Tell them Stories- Kids love to hear stories about when they were little. It helps them to feel bonded and connected to the family unit.
8. Say goodnight- Make an effort to go in and say goodnight. You may even get lucky and have the occasional kiss goodnight. Sometimes if you pause a bit they start sharing about what is going on in their life or things they are worried about.
9. Keep the best TV in the house out in the Living room. It may drag them out of their rooms and welcome friends over to watch favorite shows.
10 Say I love you and show small thoughtful gestures to let them know your thinking about them.
11. Welcome their friends- If you do this kids will be home more and less guarded. Offer to make them food, drive them on their outings and talk with their friends. It's easier for kids to talk in a group instead of one on one. Often they forget you can hear when your being the Uber Driver for them and you learn lots of important information.
Here is a really great resource for parents of kiddos with Special Needs !!
25 Things you can do to help your child Build Sef-confidence
1. Ensure they know your love is unconditional.
The way we see our kids (or the way our kids believe we see them) has a profound impact on the way they see themselves.
Make it clear to your children (or to your students) that you love and care for them even when they make mistakes or poor decisions, and avoid harshly criticizing or shaming them.
2. Practice positive self-talk with them.
Both children and adults often engage in negative and damaging chatter with themselves: “I can’t do this,” or, “I’m terrible at __________,” or, “What is wrong with me?”
Model and teach children positive affirmations. Use the "25 Growth Mindset Statements And Affirmations" (available in the Growth Mindset Printables Kit) for the list of great examples.
3. Address them by their name.
Addressing children by name is a powerful and simple way to send the message that they’re important, especially when paired with friendly eye contact.
4. Give them age-appropriate “special tasks” to help you out.
In addition to chores and classroom jobs, give children “special tasks” to help them feel useful, responsible, and competent. Using the word “special” gives children an even bigger confidence boost.
In the home, these special tasks can include helping with a pet or younger sibling as needed, being your cooking “assistant,” or, for a very young child, simply dressing himself.
In the classroom, kids can help make classroom decorations, water plants, erase the board, etc.
5. Join their play (and let them lead).
Joining in a child’s play sends the message that he is important and worthy of your time.
During playtime, parents can allow children to initiate or choose the activity, as well as lead it. When parents engage in and appear to enjoy a child-led activity, the child feels valuable and accomplished.
Teachers of young children can implement this strategy in the classroom as well.
To get the Let's Chat Discovery game printable along with other hands-on activities and movement games, you can view our Growth Mindset Activities Kit.
This kit is perfect for home, a classroom, an activity studio, or a day camp. Use it when you or your kids need a special growth mindset boost!
6. Focus on improving your own confidence.
This isn’t a step you can accomplish overnight, but it’s one of the most essential on this list.
Parents are a child’s first and best role models, so take time to repair your own confidence if needed. Start by making positive comments about yourself and others in your child’s presence.
Teachers, too, should avoid self-criticism and model confidence in front of their students.
7. Ask them for their advice or opinion.
Ask children for their advice or opinions on age-appropriate situations to show that you value them and their ideas.
This also helps children build confidence by demonstrating that even adults need help sometimes, and it’s okay to ask for it.
8. Make special time together.
Love and acceptance are key components of confidence and self-worth, so parents should spend quality time with their children to demonstrate that they are valuable.
Take him on outings, eat dinner together, play games, go outside, or do any other activity that allows you and your child to enjoy time together.
Teachers can help children feel loved and accepted by getting to know students’ interests or hobbies and making a point of having personalized conversations with each child, like, “How was your soccer game yesterday, Sarah?” or, “I think you might like this book about dinosaurs, Timmy.”
9. Teach them how to set and achieve goals.
Setting and achieving challenging, realistic goals can help children feel more capable. Help your children or students set and stick to specific goals by following the simple steps in our Goal-Setting Printables (available in the Self-Esteem and Confidence Kit).
10. Set aside time when you give them undivided attention.
Parents, your child recognizes when your mind is on something else or when you’re not giving him your undivided attention.
To help your child feel valued and confident, set aside time to put away the electronics, put thoughts of work or other distractions out of your mind, and truly focus your attention on your child.
Teachers, too, can take the time to give students their full attention and be attentive to their needs.
11. Encourage them to try a theater class.
Theater classes are a great way to boost confidence. Trying something new helps children feel capable, and theater teaches them to speak confidently in front of others and expand their comfort zone.
Parents and teachers alike can encourage kids to try out a theater, and teachers may even be able to incorporate roleplaying or drama games into the classroom.
12. Praise them the right way.
Simply showering children with praise isn’t effective, but praising kids the right way can certainly build their self-esteem.
Give children genuine, specific praise that focuses more on effort than on results (like getting straight A’s) or on fixed abilities (like intelligence).
Refrain from generalized praises like “good job!” Instead, use the words and example in our printable "The Ultimate Guide to Praising your kids" available in the Growth Mindset Printables Kit.
13. Let them overhear you speaking positively about them to others.
Another quick, easy way to boost a child’s confidence is to “accidentally” let him hear you praising his great achievements and efforts to others.
Children are sometimes skeptical when we directly praise them, but hearing you repeat this praise to others makes it more believable (and even more meaningful).
14. Resist comparing them to others.
Avoid comparing children to siblings or classmates with questions like, “Why can’t you behave like him/her?” or, “Look how well your sister does in school! Why can’t you do that?”
These comparisons cause children to doubt themselves, believe that they can’t please you or meet your expectations, and ultimately lose confidence.
15. Give age-appropriate tasks around the house or classroom.
When kids do chores or small jobs, they feel that they are making a valuable contribution, which gives them a sense of competence and confidence.
Give your child age-appropriate responsibilities like making the bed, feeding the dog, setting the table, folding clothes, picking up toys, etc.
Assign your students tasks like putting away supplies or passing out papers.
16. Cultivate their sense of belonging by hanging their portraits or artwork around the home or classroom.
Yes, even something as simple as hanging family portraits around your home can increase your child’s confidence!
In the classroom, too, you can post pictures of your students. You can also have them create self-portraits, design flags or puzzle pieces that represent their personalities and interests, etc. and hang these around the classroom.
This gives children a sense of belonging, acceptance, and love that will ultimately help their confidence soar.
17. Let them make age-appropriate choices.
Like chores and special tasks, choices help children feel competent and powerful.
Allow children to make age-appropriate decisions like what to wear, what to eat for breakfast, what game to play or color to use, where to go on an outing, etc.
Teachers can build choice into the classroom by letting students make decisions about how they will demonstrate mastery of a skill (show what they know about weather by drawing a picture, writing a song, or creating a story) or letting the class discuss and choose certain books or activities.
18. Encourage them to try new things to develop new skills.
Children who lack confidence often shy away from trying new things or tackling new challenges.
Encourage the children in your life to branch out, try new activities, and develop new skills. This gives kids the confidence that they can tackle anything that comes their way.
19. Help them discover their interests and passions.
It’s also important for kids to discover their interests and passions. When children find what they like and excel at, they gain confidence in themselves and their abilities.
Create opportunities for your children or students to try activities that interest them, and be supportive of these endeavors.
20. Help them overcome the fear of failure.
The fear of failure often prevents children from trying their best and reaching their fullest potential, which can naturally diminish confidence.
Help kids overcome the fear of failure by teaching them that mistakes are a perfectly acceptable part of life and that people rarely achieve success without challenges and setbacks.
Use our printable "Famous Failures Kit" to talk with children about successful people who persevered through failures and obstacles on their way to success. This kit also encourages children research how people who THEY look up to failed and persevered.
When you criticize or overlook a child’s feelings, he may feel that his emotions don’t matter and conclude that this means he doesn’t matter either.
Encourage children to express both positive and negative emotions, and help them talk through these emotions in a healthy manner.
22. Make sure they know you’re upset with their choices, not with who they are.
Getting upset with your children or students sometimes is inevitable, and you will need to offer constructive criticism and consequences.
However, make it clear that it’s the child’s choices or actions that you’re upset with, not who the child is as a person. Direct all criticism at these actions instead of criticizing the child with statements like, “You’re so lazy!” or, “Why are you so sloppy?”
23. Surround them with positive, confident people (including their friends).
The more a child is around positive, confident individuals, the likelier he is to become a confident and positive individual himself.
Parents, give your child strong adult role models and do your best to ensure that his friends are confident people who uplift and encourage your child rather than tearing him down.
Teachers, be a positive and confident role model for your students and teach your students to be kind and build one another up.
24. Create a Wall of Fame to recognize their achievements.
In the home or in the classroom, you can demonstrate your pride and appreciation for kids’ achievements by creating a “Wall of Fame” that showcases achievements like good grades, art projects, trophies or certificates, pictures of the child participating in sports or other favorite activities, and more.
A Wall of Fame can highlight a child’s effort and determination, giving him a confidence boost that can be especially helpful in times of self-doubt.
25. Shower them with hugs!
Physical affection communicates love, acceptance, and belonging, making children happy and confident.
Parents and teachers of younger children can give kids high fives, back pats, hair tousles, and lots of hugs to show that they are cared for and valued.
Confidence shapes a child’s life tremendously, and it’s one of the most important gifts parents and teachers can give to their children.
If you’re unsure where to start, pick a few strategies from this list to try implementing this week. Once you’ve mastered those, try a few more. (You probably found a few strategies on this list that you’re already using in your home or classroom too!)
Give kids opportunities to feel capable and competent, and demonstrate through words and actions that they are loved and valued.
With your support, the children in your care will grow into confident individuals who are happy, successful, and thriving.
Reprinted from BigLifeJournal.com
November 2019- Holiday Help!!
Ten Ways to Keep Family Members From Ruining Your Holidays
How to avoid conflict during the holidays with troublesome family members.
The holidays are a special time for some, perhaps the only time all year they get to see other family members. As special as these occasions are, we all know a family—it might even be your family—for whom get-togethers are often fraught with trepidation, concern, and in some cases fear
, because of the behavior of one family member. That individual predictably, in his or her unique way, manages to say the wrong thing, act out inappropriately, irritate others, contrives to be the center of attention
, arrives late and expects you to wait yet again, or is never happy and wants you to suffer also.
These socially toxic individuals don’t care whom they inconvenience, irritate, or hurt. They are not mindful of others. If their disruptions ruin a long-awaited, carefully planned family reunion, in their eyes, so be it—and it is never their fault.
Do you know someone like this? Here is a list from Dangerous Personalities of behaviors that toxic family members often display that can alert you to potential issues or enmity. These traits drive others to desperation but don’t seem to affect the misbehaving individual in the least:
- Is irresponsible in speech and actions to the point of irritating others or hurting others’ feelings—it is as if this person negligently feels no need to filter what he or she says.
- Has a “short fuse.” Displays of intense anger and outbursts are common and very disproportionate to the circumstances or the event that triggered the outburst.
- Being around this person leaves you less happy, less fulfilled, emotionally drained, crying, or constantly on edge, as you fret about the next act that will embarrass or hurt you.
- Tends to be opinionated, rigid in thinking, suspicious without cause, unyielding, or just plain truculent—seeming to enjoy conflict even at the expense of family harmony.
- Needs to be the center of attention at all times or acts out with unjustified irritation or anger if feeling left out of anything (conversations, events, outings, et cetera).
- When you are around this person, you feel emotionally and even physically drained or you feel anxious, troubled, tormented, or infuriated.
- Those who are closest (e.g., you, family, children, spouses, boyfriend or girlfriend, etc.) routinely have to “check” to gauge this person’s “mood.” You and others find yourself “walking on eggshells” around this person.
- Arguments that should last a few minutes may go on for hours or days with no effort to ameliorate or end them.
- Seems to play role of “victim” (to get attention) or “princess” (expecting special treatment). Has been known to accuse others of some perceived injustice or demands to be treated as royalty – with every whim catered to at the expense of others.
- Is a “wound collector.” Collects past injustices, faux pas, mistakes, slights, or perceived social injuries and resurrects them to argue with or harangue others. There is no forgiving and forgetting—even mishaps from decades past are collected and cultivated for later reuse.
With individuals like this, the first thing to do is to recognize that you are not imagining things. Just because this person acted fine one day does not mean you should ignore the many other days of boorish or insensitive behavior at the expense of others. Someone who behaves this way as a matter of course is not being quirky. This is about being socially toxic to others—a common trait of the emotionally unstable personality. People like this need help, and they should seek out professionals who can handle this kind of disorder. In the meantime, we have to protect ourselves.
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What can you do? Plenty:
- Recognize reality and don’t sugarcoat it. People reveal who they are by their behavior, so don’t ignore the noxious things they do.
- You must set boundaries as to what you will and will not tolerate. I know families that have had to bar adult children from holiday meals because they have ruined so many family gatherings in the past. Only when behaviors change should you lower the boundaries.
- Get everyone else to agree that there are topics that simply will not be discussed because they only bring out the worst in these individuals, and don’t allow the conversation to veer into a minefield of divisive issues.
- Set time limits: if dinner starts at 6 P.M., start exactly at that time and let everyone know if they are late, dinner starts without them. The emotionally unstable personality is famous for being late (egregiously late) in order to make dramatic entrances, be the focus of attention, and to demonstrate dominance or control. Don’t provide that opportunity.
- Behavior that is dangerous (excessive drinking) or divisive, or that only serves to antagonize or irritate others should not be tolerated. If it is your house, you set the rules. If it is someone else’s house, you don’t have to be a party to acrimony, hostility, or worse.
- Do expect to have a great get-together and to have a good time—and if someone is detracting from that as has happened in the past, resolve that this person simply will not have an audience this time—something these individuals usually crave.
- If things get out of hand, especially where alcohol or weapons are involved (sadly yes, weapons), don’t ever hesitate to call the police.
- Remember that just because you are family does not mean you are safe – we are only safe (emotionally, physically, psychologically) when we avoid or control those individuals or situations that would do us harm.
- Family holiday time is not therapy time—that is for professionals to handle and in private. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into the drama that these individuals use to dominate social events and diminish your enjoyment of the holidays.
- Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, always remember that you have absolutely no social or familial obligation to be victimized—ever.
Joe Navarro, M.A. is a 25-year veteran of the FBI and is the author of What Every Body is Saying and Louder Than Words. This article was edited with the assistance of Thryth Hillary Navarro and Toni Sciarra Poynter.
Copyright © 2014 Joe Navarro.